Mynd Control

I’ve always wondered why things happen the way they happen. Over the last month I have really had to analyze everything about my life and re-evaluate the way I have been living it. I moved here for a couple of reasons; reasons that I have never really discussed with anyone and as of late have really been thinking about. Everyone who knows me knows that I moved here for school. Honestly, that is all I wanted people to know. I am a pretty quiet person when it comes to certain aspects of my life. I do not want people knowing certain truths about me because it might just change their perception of me.

Why? Why do I care what other people think about me? Before I moved to New York I never cared. I did what I had to and moved on. It seems that I have truly done some growing up since moving here to the city but at what cost or even what gain?

I have kept a lot of secrets about myself and have allowed them to fester in my very soul. Secrets can't hide in silence; though that is a complete contradiction to the entire definition of the word itself. Secrets have a way of exposing themselves to us; to everyone. Within the walls of the own person, the truth is stripped bare. It is how we keep these secrets outside of ourselves that make it a completely different story. One thing is certain, whatever it is we're trying to hide; we're never ready for that moment when the truth gets naked. That's the problem with secrets – like misery, they love company. They pile up and up until you don't have room for anything else, until you're so full of secrets you feel like you're going to burst.

Feeling this way has really given me the opportunity this past month to really sit and think about the direction I have been going. I have really evaluated my life and the people within my life and have discovered some self truths. I have cut some relationships with old friends and in the process have reconnected with some old friends but, not only have I recently been doing all of this I have over the course of this past year really met some great people. People that will forever affect the person I am becoming and striving to be. Two people in particular have really helped more then they will ever know. The first person, I met about 4 years ago at my old job. I was bartending and in walked in these two guys and he and I just connected. Not on an intimate level but on a soulful one, it was like we were destined to be in each others lives and it was that very moment I saw true friend. His life is a true inspiration and has really opened my eyes to a lot. He has taught me so much about the human spirit that he will truly never know the love he has shined into my life. He is my inspiration for writing and sharing my thoughts. He is a guiding light in my life and for that I can never repay his kindness.

Bradley, I love you my dearest friend.

The second, though new our friendship is compared to the first friend, has quickly become my dearest and best friend here in New York. Through him I have discovered what it means to love a brother and know what it is to have one that has my interests at heart. Although he may never admit it, he is one of the most incredibly giving people I have ever met. He is all about sharing his gift of talent to the world. He has shown me so many truths to my own life that I only tried to hide. He has shown me that there are both dark and light sides to us all and it is the path we choose that makes us. My path was always set before me. I always knew what I wanted to do and how I wanted to do it. Trouble was getting there.

Ralphie, My Friend, My Brother. You mean the world to me!

I have always been what some call a “control freak.” I mean you can ask anyone who knows me that I am a very controlling person; a total perfectionist in all aspects of my life including relationships and family. I have only recently started to notice the damage that it can do and has done to those I care most about. No one likes to lose that control, but as a person who strives for perfection there's nothing worse. To me it has always been a sign of weakness, of not being up to the task. Still there are times when it just gets away from you. When the world stops spinning and you realize that you’re great perfection isn't going to save you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. And it's scary as hell. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring or not knowing who will be there to help you out. If there is one upside to the free-falling, it's the chance you give to your true friends to catch you.

So I guess after this page long rambling session. To get down to it, I want to say thank you. Thank you to all of those who have stood by me. I love you all and get ready because we will never know what tomorrow truly holds for us.

The Unexpected

How do you know when too much is too much? When it is considered to be too much information or even too much fun. How about too much love, or too much to ask of someone? When is it all just too much for us to bear? I wish I knew the answer to these questions. I am the king of not knowing when to do something at the right time. Well, at least when it comes to relationships and when to tell a person I like what is on my mind. In my everyday life I have every aspect planned out by day and it works for me, but when another guy is involved I lose total control.

Nobody likes to lose control, for me nothing is worse. It's a sign of weakness, of not being up to the task. Still there are times when it just gets away from you, when the world stops spinning, when you realize your shiny little mediocre life isn't going to save you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. It's scary as hell. Except there's an upside to the proverbial free fall. It's the chance you give your friends to catch you. At least we hope there are those select few that will catch us when we need them the most.

As Family, as friends, as human beings, we all try to do the best we can. But the world is full of unexpected twists and turns. Just when you've gotten the lay of the land, the ground underneath you shifts. It knocks you off your feet. If you're lucky, you end up with nothing more than a flesh wound, something a band-aid will cover, but some wounds are deeper than they first appear, and require more than just a quick fix. With some wounds, you have to rip of the band-aid, let them breathe and give them time to heal

Surprises are the worse, I think. I will be the first to admit it; I am a total control freak. Those of you that know me know this for a fact. Everything in my life has to be in my total control. Once that has been taken from me I completely turn off and freak out. So I think people can be categorized in one of two ways. Those who love surprises and those who don't; simple right? As I said, I don't. I like to be in the know. I have to be in the know, because when I'm not, crazy things happen. Okay, I had a point. What was it? I know I had one. Ok. My point, actually, and here it is, has nothing to do with surprises at all, well in a way it does. My point is that whoever said 'What you don't know can't hurt you,' was a complete and total moron. Because for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world. From my experience at least, it ends up causing pain.

Pain, as much as you don't want to you just have to ride it out. You can only hope it goes away on its own, and hope that the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. It totally sucks!!!

My Anthem

So, I had the pleasure of seeing one of my greatest friends this evening at our local bar tonight. We chatted and caught up because I have not seen him since this weekend and he introduced me to this amazing song by Ingrid Michaelson called, "Sort of." I have to say that this song definitely describes a lot of my feelings right now and is my theme song today. Thank you so much Bradley for showing me this beautiful song......

Sort Of
Written by: Ingrid Michaelson

Baby, you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart
And baby, you've got the sort of face to start this old heart
But your eyes are warning me this early morning
That my love's too big for you my love


Baby, you've got the sort of laugh that waters me
And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me
I find you stunning, but you are running me down
My love's too big for you my love
My love's too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Baby, you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales
That your sort of mouth just will not say, the truth impales
That you don't need me, but you won't leave me
My loves too big for you my love
My loves too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Tell me what to do, to take away the you

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no.
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

The Plan

There are times when even the best of us have trouble with commitment, and we may be surprised at the commitments we're willing to let slip out of our grasp and even the ones we are willing to make. All I can say is commitments are complicated. True commitment, takes effort, and sacrifice to make work. Which is why sometimes, we have to learn the hard way, to choose our commitments very carefully. So, when we do decide to take the chance with that special someone we set the expectations and we all think everything will be great and when they are not we feel robbed and hurt. Sometimes though, those expectations sell us short. Sometimes the expected simply pales to the comparison to the unexpected. You have to wonder why we cling to some of our expectations. I think they keep us steady, keep us within our “comfort zone.” Expectations keep us safe from hurt but standing still the expected is the beginning, just the norm. It is the unexpected that change our lives.

People have scars in all sorts of unexpected places caused by the unexpected. Like secret road maps of their personal histories. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar but, some of them do not heal. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut’s no longer there, the pain still lingers and the sign is still there reminding us of what happened. Flaunting their awful truth in our face making sure we never forget.

We tell ourselves that we have a plan in life. We choose a path and we try to stick with it as much as possible. The thing about plans is they don't take into account the unexpected, so when we're thrown a curve ball, whatever it may be, we have to improvise. Of course, some of us are better at it than others. Some of us just have to move on to plan B, and make the best of it. And sometimes what we want is exactly what we need. But sometimes, sometimes what we need is a new plan.

You know when your parents or family member is pouring water into your empty glass and they would say “Say when” and, of course, we never did. We don't say when because there's something about the possibility, of more. More alcohol, more love. More of anything; more is better.

As humans we are always being told by everyone else how to do our jobs or how to live life. We all do it. When we have a cut we tell the doctor just stitch me up and let me go. It is easy to suggest a quick solution. Especially, when you don’t know much about the problem or you do not understand the underlying cause or just how deep the wound really is. The unexpected arise, always does. So we have to be ready for it and the first step toward a real cure when it does arise is to know exactly what happened to begin with but, honestly, people do not want to hear the truth. The truth hurts. We are just supposed to forget the past that led us here, ignore the future complications that might arise and go for the quick fix……

The Dream

So, I have been here in New York for over three years now, and it has been truly an experience. I have grown both emotionally and spiritually. It has definitely been a challenge but in such an eye opening way. I have changed so much about my life that looking back on what I was and what I am now. WOW. So here is my feeling behind change; we don't like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying. But here’s the truth: the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Sometimes, change is ... EVERYTHING!

Everyday, I find myself walking down the street to work, or class and find myself dreaming of something better then what I have now. It always seems to be the same scenario too. I find myself living the perfect life with the perfect guy. You know someone that actually wants to be with me and not think they want something and does not. I am so tired of meeting guys that are wonderful and think they know what they want and in the end I get hurt and well am still alone. So for me, dreaming, it takes me away from my nightmare of sanity and lets me feel more in control. We try and tell ourselves that reality is better. We try and convince ourselves it's better that we should never dream at all. But, the strongest of us, the most determined of us, hold on to the dream or we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered. We wake to find ourselves, against all odds, feeling hopeful. And, if we're lucky, we realize in the face of everything, in the face of life the true dream is being able to dream at all.

We all know what the dream is, we all have the same or something similar - that we'll finally be happy when we reach our goals - find the guy, finish school, find a great job, have that family we want, and live a long and happy life, that's the dream. Then we get there. And if we're human, we immediately start dreaming of something else. Because, if this is that dream, then we'd like to wake up. I know I do!

Unfortunately, too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be. The people, who suffer the most, are those who don't know what they want.